Don't you dare call me a Super-Mum

Pass me a pizza scroll instead

There’s a weird level of notoriety that parents of neurodivergent and disabled children receive from the outside world. It’s not something that I particularly endorse nor indulge in, but nevertheless it exists. A bit like a floater in your eye that follows you everywhere, that is harmless but fucking annoying.

Inspirational memes, this is not the way

Look at this ridiculous quote. ‘Special Needs Parents - some of you don’t even realise how you light up rooms and inspire people just by being you. You’re literally magnetic and you don’t even realise it.’ Don’t put me in a room with the parents who do realise they are all the things mentioned here! We light up rooms and are magnetic?! Maybe this is for parents who live next to nuclear reactors, not those of us who walk in a room and clear it faster than the farting warthog in the Lion King.

I know people think they are doing something nice by tagging me in these sorts of social media posts, but to be honest, it just winds me up. The language, the message, the absolute ableist framing just grates me hard! I have in the past tried gently explaining that I don’t like these sort of posts by sharing more human rights based content on social media, but to no avail. Save the ‘good sorts’ for the last five minutes of the Sunday night news bulletin people!

My lack of tolerance for this sort of narrative is probably why I don’t have many friends (period) who aren’t parents I’ve met on this journey, who share same or similar views to mine. They are the same mums that perform extreme eye rolls when someone says “I don’t know how you do it, you are such a super woman.” If you are a parent who wouldn’t be seen dead in a jigsaw piece tee and matchy matchy earrings, but you might offer to come with me to a meeting with the principal and speak up when I get too emo for words, you are my people.

We are not super heroes, we are simply parents doing what needs to be done in the (non-super hero) quest for happy, healthy kids. Thats it! I honestly think this framing of carers as super-heroes is a convenient way for all the other people to gloss over the not-pretty, flowery, meme-able aspects of our parenting journeys. Show me wonderwoman’s muffin-top from emotional eating her way through untold packets of timtams and doritos on the bad days before you go on handing out super hero capes.

It’s easier to categorise us as super-parents rather than acknowledge how hard our lives can be when sleep, calm, support and understanding are in very short supply.

Autism has been a part of my life now for 12 years, and I haven’t once blamed my daughter or autism for my state of chronic stress. It is in fact the lack of financial and emotional support on offer for families, that is the killer. We have to close ranks and handle everything ‘in house’ otherwise it would all fall apart. That is the honest truth. Don’t you dare be sad reading this – be angry! Because this is not an isolated situation, many families struggle in the same way.

Autism Awareness April is over and thank god it is, because all that faux-awareness (wear a t-shirt, share a selfie, you know the sort) is very triggering. I won’t speak on behalf of autistic people, but there are people who avoid social media in April because it is too upsetting. For parents it can feel the same way – like one month out of the whole year, people are suddenly proud to know someone with autism?! Fuck right off.

So, for the people who have called me a Super Mum over the years and asked over ‘how do you do it?’ I thought I would write a list so you know exactly how I roll. (Better Living Everybody)

1.I’ve lost most of my pre-parenting age friends

It’s true, they have all but disappeared. I don’t blame them, all those unanswered messages, or invites over the years that I have turned down, had to cancel at the last minute, forgotten about or left after a few minutes have surely left the impression that I dont want friends. But that’s really not the case. I’m sad that I feel scared to contact old friends because I have left things too long, but I need to say something to the world now. My life is hard. I am sorry, and I understand the distance.

2.Divide to conquer

My husband is awesome, we seemed like polar opposites when we got together so many years ago, but it turns out we are quite similar. We are always on the same page when it comes to parenting, which is a luxury and a privilege I don’t take for granted. We know that sometimes we have to take one for the team, and miss out on things that are important to us, for the good of the kids. Family time where we are both present with both kids is a rarity, but its just the way it is. We allow each other the time out we need for respite and to rejuvenate and understand each others triggers much more now than we did in the early years. He is my #1 cheerleader and I am his. Phew for that.

3.I eat my feelings

I am not the mum who gets so stressed out she forgets to eat or hydrate. Instead, I forget not to do either of those options. Eating something delicious and decadent is my ‘me time,’ as opposed to something healthy like yoga or nordic walking. Eating also feels a bit of rebellion against doing what I should do, which gives me a weird sense of self control. I eat when I am bored, stressed, happy, hyper- this or hypo- that. I wear my emotions like a big, baggy pair of fleece trackpants that hide the sad bits of me underneath, but feel soft and safe to the touch. Not ideal, but delicious.

Pizza scrolls, this is the way

4.Hypertension, hypochondria, hyperfixate, hypervigilence

Believe the hype-oh! My anxiety around um pretty much everything is terrible! It bubbles under the surface 24/7 not that most people would know. Thats the power of that whole ‘super woman’ persona that us mums have to deal with. We are shamed into silence because no one wants to know how much we struggle to keep shit all together all of the time. I once was referred to a neurologist because my (then) GP thought I was showing signs of early onset Parkinsons. I had a tremor in one hand and failed all the GP’s tests for coordination. It turned out not to be Parkinsons, the neurologist asked me about my life, gave me a hug and said I had “completely understandable anxiety.” And shortly after, my tremor disappeared.

I panic at any small bodily change being something fatal. I don’t really want to talk about that because it just makes me more anxious. That’s the hyperfixation I’d say. When I’m not fixating on my untimely death, I like bingeing TV series whilst IMDB’ing the stars to see what else they have starred in, which I enjoy.

Hypervigilence, my ultimate foe – that terrible feeling in the pit of your soul that something is wrong E V E R Y  S E C O N D  O F  T H E  D A Y

My daughters teacher said to me the other day she can’t relax in class at the moment, she’s always watching, and wary that my daughter might sneak out the classroom again. I thought “welcome to my world, girlfriend.” That has been my life since 2011!

5.Scrolls: Pizza vs Social media

One thing I do like to do to ‘relax’ is have a scroll. Pizza scrolls yes, but scrolling reels on instagram is even better. It feels so good to feel a belly laugh rise up from inside you, till you lose your breath and every part of your face is laughing. Even if it is at a clip of a (similarly) fat lady face planting off a flying fox. Take the laugh, it’s good for you. I also am quite partial to a Pedro Pascal fan edit. Thirsty mum content makers are definitely my people, and this is the way.

Pedro Pascal fan edits? This is definitely the way

6.Spotify

Blasting music (while I’m writing, doing dishes or tidying lego) that takes me back to joyful, care-free times makes me happy. I have playlists that remind me of girls road trips, adventures and people that pick me up immeasurably on bad days. Highly recommend.

7.Pretty books I’ve never read

I have a shelf of books with beautiful covers that I bought because I wanted to read them, before realising I have near to no time to read a book, and them placing them alongside the other books with the same fate. Oddly this helps me, it reminds me that ‘tomorrow is another day,’ they are there when I am ready to pick up a book. Hope for the future, and perspective is so important. And in the mean time they look pretty on a shelf.

8.Wise Women

A psychic medium once told me that I needed more ‘me time’ (no shit, sherlock) and that I should surround myself with wise women who would support and guide me on my journey. I didn’t go purposely out looking for these women, but over the years we found each other. And that in fact is how I do it. There are no rules of engagement, we are mostly women who connect through zoom, messenger, phone, lunch dates and have honest conversations about real life. No need for pedestals or labels, just mutual respect and unconditional support. That’s how it works.

I resisted sharing anything during autism awareness month, but oddly, on the last day of the month, this is the first time I’ve thought I had anything worthy of sharing. My message to parents is this: Find people who you respect, and in return, respect you. By allowing you to be your authentic self, you set a wonderful example for your child and acknowledge your childs right to be who they are, with no need to mask or hide any of the bits that they think other people might find challenging.

Live your life honestly, with good grace and humility. And always leave a space for laughter, of the deep belly variety. This is the way 💚